Chapter One of Unus, please read and tell me opinions?

Year of Rebellion

Dignified 23rd, 2709

The air reeked of blood, as the once conservational grass buried in rotting corpses. Clouds blotted with ink floated in the dead gray sky, bricks lying on the ground here and there, glass cut in between the bones of dead bodies of god who knows. Only one stood alive there, he who was to be blamed for everything. He who was despised by everything. He who has never renowned to be alive, who was the man… who… just who, it's a simple question, but who is he?

Silently the man reached into his pocket, feeble, and pale fingers curling around the cell phone that lay in there. His fingers pulled it out effortlessly, and opened it for no more effort than before. "The mission is completed, just as you wanted it… Lucifer."

"Brilliant, sector 3 has been ruined," Lucifer smiled with each of his words, and it was visible as he spoke, "sector 7 is up next, delight go immediately, the Aura is being sent over."

"Unwritten."



"Amarenex, everywhere did you go? C'mon, class is starting!" Allie yelled as normal as she could, failing nearly completely.

I jumped at the signal of Alison's voice, "Oh sorry…" my finger tapped at the off button on the controller, "just was watching the news."

Alison stared with those huge blue eyes that looked disgusted, "Ugh! You're like a girl version of Felix! At least Lelouch isn't that crazy about that stuff!"

A frown curled at my lips, "Allie," she stared directly into my eyes with no emotion, possibly this would have been a excellent time to tell her about what happened to Ion… no, if I had told her, she would be practically crushed by an Aura, thus a smile curled at my slowly frowning lips, "stay safe."

She smiled playfully at me, "Alright c'mon lets get to class, mommy!" her hand gripped onto mine, graphite smudges rubbed on the side of her hand.

"Wait- WHAT? I am NOT going to class!"

"Oh yes you are."

"No!!" I screamed as loud as possible, only to be covered. My eyes glowered at her for
that was the only thing to do right now.

On the way to hell, my free hand played with the curly black hair on the right side of my head. It was weird, well, me, overall, I was weird, different, eerie, in simple terms, an alien against the crowd of the worlds. The right side of my face had black as night curly hair and an obsidian eye, in which the pupil was barely visible. As for my left side, my hair is white as snow and as straight and flat as straw… along with a moon eye, in which the pupil sticks out like a sore thumb. Now here are some more weird facts, the right side of my face is as pale as snow, and the left is a perfect shade of olive. On my brow, underneath my hair shaded from black to white, was a symbol. That symbol is the shape of a-

"Amarenex? Amara? Helloooooooo?" I blinked back my thoughts, and looked up at Allie.

"Oh… sorry, just was thinking, especially since the Aura Knights have just attacked sector 3… do you reckon… they might attack us here?" my words tumbled out in a soft whisper.

"Of course not Amarenex," Felix walked up behind Alison, "sector 7 is one of the quietest and peaceful ones, you know that." I nodded, but something told me that was all going to change.

A lump rose in my throat as we walked into the classroom. Everything was going to be fine, right?

-

The classroom was silent, for class had already started. Fantastic, we were learning about the Seven Worlds of Fall. "Ah, miss Amarenex, I believe I sent out miss Alison quite a while ago to fetch you." She glared at me inside of her, although her face was inexpressive, it was simple to tell she was.

"Sorry Mrs. Vinneta." I mumbled.

She continued on, as all three of us sat down in our chairs. "As we were speaking class, you all know that in the year 2020, the king of Earth had sacrificed himself to make 6 other planets in which we could all live in the time zone we wish. Although that is how he set it, the king allowed Aura's to roam around in all of the worlds, to make sure that safety is still insured…" that's right. I live on the fourth planet, the world that lives in the 21st century. Technology is different on each planet, yet, we still go one with life.

The third planet takes house in the 19th century, I wonder what it's like their? And how about the seventh… we learn about description, but we don't learn about the future. Is that too to maintain the balance of our universe? But what about this world, I'm unlike all of them. My eyes glanced at each one of the people in here. All of them, they had 'ordinary' features, 'ordinary' abilities… while me… rumors go around saying, that only people who live on the sixth or seventh planet have qualities like mine. What is that planet like? Are there truly other people like me? What about my name? Is that truly my name? Is my past really my past? Is my family really my family? Are these, people, really my friends? If nothing of this is real then-

"Miss Amarenex! You know q
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090707182939AAB8OyT
(Prolongation One)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090707183142AArnAdO
(Prolongation Two)

Delight when and if you do leave your comments delight let it include these subjects:

-Rating 1~10 (1 is dreadful, 10 is awesome)
-What you like/dislike about it
-Is it worth continuing, or does i need major editing
-Grammar/Spelling mistakes (optional)

Thank you for reading and I will be posting the website in which it will be continuing tomorrow!

Answer by MightBeMithral
You’re style blows me away! Sure, it could use some editing, even Shakespeare needed to edit! I would edit first for redundancies, like the period “that lay in there” when the guy reaches in his pocket for the cell. Similarly, of course taking out the mobile and opening it is effortless.

The narrator’s description of herself is fantastic, but its introduction is a small awkward — possibly have her catch sight of her reflection in a classroom door as a means to seguay into the description? Or notice someone else sneaking a excellent stare her reflection from the corner of her eye – that wouldn’t too be unlikely, given her appearance.

The opening paragraph is uniquely surreal, but grammatically “as the once conservational grass buried in rotting corpses” seems a small unclear? Is “The air reeked of blood; the once conservational grass now buried in rotting corpses” what you mean?

I like your dialogue, it’s believable and has excellent pace. On the whole I reckon your tale is wonderfully imaginative, has a grand scope that is begging for detail, and it is clearly evident you have natural writing talent to bring it all to the page. I don’t praise lightly, but I reckon you have a fantastic thing going and should carry through!

Best of luck to you! I give it an 8+

Answer by Lesvale M
Fell asleep after the first paragraph

Answer by Melissa D
It was excellent, but to draw the reader in from the beginning i would change the first paragraph:

Only one stood alive there, he who was to be blamed for everything. He who was despised by everything. The air reeked of blood, as the once conservational grass buried in rotting corpses. Clouds blotted with ink floated in the dead gray sky, bricks lying on the ground here and there, glass cut in between the bones of dead bodies of god who knows.

Then you wouldn’t have to question the question… who is he? The reader will be wondering that from the very first sentence.

Give your answer to this question below!

I’m 14. This is the first chapter of a book I’m writing. It is not the first novel I have attempted to write. Delight give suggestions, comments or advice. Thanks! This work is under COPYRIGHT to me, the author . It is illegal to steal.

Ch. 1

Dooming Daybreak

A sudden loud blast of music jerked me wide awake. The bass pounded against my ears and I quickly sat upright, squinting from the daylight bright through the window, and turned the radio off. I exhaled slowly when my eardrums were soon relieved. Next time I would remember to turn down the volume. With my ears ringing, I stepped onto the cool, polished floor of my bedroom and made my way to the bathroom, yawning and sighing.
"Gosh, I'm a mess," I grumbled, staring at my massive bed head in the mirror and pondering how to tame it. I chose that I did not have enough time this morning to do any excellent to it and I would just have to pull it back. I dealt with my hideous locks and then got dressed.
Clad in jeans and a navy t-shirt, I shut the bathroom door behind me and skipped down the stairs, plunking down at the kitchen table with a clunk.
"Excellent morning, Jamie."
The sudden voice in the silent kitchen startled me, and I immediately pivoted around impulsively. A tall man with glasses and a buzz cut stood in front of me, chuckling.
"What the heck, Dad!" I uttered, scowling at him. "I thought that my heart was going to stop. Why aren't you at work?"
Dad smiled, pleased with his own subtlety.
"I just slept in," he clarified, a silly smile emerging on his face. He could not get over his stupid prank. "No worries. I can catch the next teach."
"All right," I mumbled, my heart still pounding. I estimate it was not the best start of the day for both of us.
Now was school yet again. It was only ahead of schedule November, so there were plenty of days left to go in anticipation of winter break. Ugh. I had three vastly complicated projects due a week from now, meaning that whatever free time I really had this week would be eliminated. Lucky me. I really do despise school.
Biting off a large hunk of granola bar, I slipped my teal patterned backpack over my shoulders while ignoring Dad's 'have a fantastic day' because I knew I was not going to, and flew out the door to hopefully catch the bus. I could hear my Converse tennis shoes tap the driveway as I ran as quick as I could to the curb. The bus was already there, and the kids had nearly finished piling in.
"Wait!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. The bus was rolling away so swiftly that nobody in the vehicle had noticed me. Could they at least hear me? "Student here!"
Well, apparently, the driver was deaf. I can be a very loud shouter when I want to be, believe me. I stood there, not moving, staring ahead at the vacant street in front of me. My eyes lessened and my fingers clenched into fists. Then, I ran. Dad might not have left for work yet. After turning the corner, I braked. His ruby Convertible was already at the end of the road, leaving nothing behind but smoke. I growled and brooded, standing in the middle of the street, ruing the day. Why did my Dad despise cell phones? So what, you can lose them. So what, they're expensive. One could have been helpful right about now. Dad was really stupid when it came to choosing things to despise. I groaned. School was six miles away, but I was going to have to walk.

Answer by crakurhed19
we had to an introduction to a tale just like that in school too. but you call it a ‘book’. ally you do is over describe everything you ‘do’ in the book. try less adjectives.

Answer by Ark Angel
I thinks that very excellent it sounds professional :]

Answer by Melissa L.
I’d take out the brand name “converse”, and I would add more but take a lot out. Like, you over descrive a lot, and you go through it so quickly… I feel like a lot is gone, but it’s pretty excellent. She must really be having a terrible day, 6 freakin miles, jeez.
Well so long as you know everywhere your going with this book, its fine, hopefully you can spice it up.
Excellent luck.

Answer by Writerbabe21
It’s okay…but I’m worried that is just it. It doesn’t pop out to me or instantly hook me. In fact, it kind of sounds like a dozen other YA/Teen books. The beginning is kind of slow, and the plot does not seem to have a function to it just yet (but I’m sure it will). Try putting the beginning of the tale at the start of the action. It would grab a reader’s attention alot more well. But overall, I reckon the beginning of the tale is very excellent, though not attention grabbing

Answer by chfjumanji
I despise to critisize your work, as I reckon it’s fantastic for young people to write and have inspiration and want to write, but I don’t get it. This chapter is going to be the first chapter a person reads in your book. Its bland, has nothing, what’s the point? It doesn’t really make a person want to read your book. Pick it up a small bit, make it more exciting, try and place a small more into it, a small twist. Something, even a small twist, a question, something someone will want to know the answer to that will make them want to read the book. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Add your own answer in the comments!
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This small video explores ways to determine if your cell phone has been compromised to act as a bug. While it’s obviously unlikely that this would happen to most people, it was recently revealed that the FBI has used this technique, and just as illicit wiretaps are possible, illicit cell phone bugging could also occur. This video is based on Lauren Weinstein’s December 2006 blog entry: “How To Tell If Your Cell Phone Is Bugged” located at: lauren.vortex.com Be seeing you!
Video Rating: 4 / 5