Chpt. 1 DOES THIS SOUND ANY GOOD...?

Title: Getting There -The Vine Twins
By: Jenna K
I am writing this book… and i have gotten a few chapters in..
tell me what you reckon! thanks.
Needs work. i know. More detail…
Better tale line..
And the format is not like this… i had to pull it all collectively so i wasnt spaced out
on this website…
so please give your comments. best one. gets best answer…lol

Chpt:1 The Start
"Nik. Nikki! Pick up the phone!" Lexa yelled to me as she entered my bedroom and woke me up.
Lexana Vine is my identical twin sister, my additional half. Without her I would be completely lost! She understands me when no one does. She's my best friend…
My name is Nicolette Vine, Nik or Nikki for small. I'm about 5"6 and I have naturally honey brown hair, and brown eyes. My sister looks just like me.
Were 16 years ancient, juniors at Bellwood High in *************, C.A. It's January, the beginning of the semester.
Like most twins- we are very different. Lexa has a girly, preppy type of stylishness and attitude.
I on the additional hand, don't. I guess you may maybe say that I'm the laid back type. I'm not as confident as my sister. She's comfortable in her own skin. And I'm not. I don't know why any. It's just me, I guess. I sat up quickly and answered the cordless phone charging on my bedside table. Cleared my throat. And spoke.
"Ciao?" I questioned. Still looking at Lexa permanent in front of my now closed door walking slowly over to my computer desk.
"Hey Nikki its me." I recognized my mother's voice.
Let me cut in here…my moms name is Tracy and my dads name is David. They are both professional photographers (that's how they met) they work a lot and work with celebrities from all over. When we were small Lexa and I used to get personal photos and headshots taken. Were really into the theater arts. That's our dream. To become well-known and be on movies and TV shows. We've only landed in a few commercials when we were 8 and we've been completely connected to life on camera ever since. It's in our blood.
"Oh hey mom what's up?" I questioned.
"Oh I was just calling to let you know that me and your father are going to be a small late coming home off work tonight. We have a huge "17 magazine edition" were shooting of Ashley Tisdale." She confirmed.
"Oh alright then have a excellent day!"
"Ok sweetie, Like you!" she hung up.
I hung up the phone and place it back on the charger. I looked over to Lexa now sitting at my computer desk online chatting on the Internet using my white mainframe. (She has her own black one.) She turned around and looked at me closing it shut.
"What are you going to do today? She questioned.
" Uh, I'm not sure yet…you?
She sighed. "I have to go to drive to Amber's house rite now to work on that biology project Mr. Dasid assigned days gone by."
"But, Its Saturday morning." I said.
"Exactly which MEANS I only have 5 more days to work on it!" Lexa added. She got up quickly, out of my computer chair and headed for the door.
"Oh and before I go DON'T forget to feed Kay Jay! I'll call you later on your cell." She left. (Kay Jay's our puppy we got last Christmas)
"Ok!" I called after her but she was already downstairs. Ready to go.
I finally got out of bed and looked over at my alarm clock. It read 10:27 am. I walked to the restroom Lexa and I share down the hall. Located rite next to our parent's bedroom.
I reached the bathroom. Brushed my teeth, washed my face and place on some "covergirl" mascara and blush. Then I brushed through my golden brown hair and used bobby pins for a "half up half down" stylishness I got dressed in my usual "at home" outfit skinny jeans and a white spaghetti strap with a button up blouse on top. I headed downstairs and grabbed my favorite cereal from the cabinet. Cheerios.
I sat there thinking of how I was going to spend my Saturday. When I finished intake, I cleaned my dishes and grabbed some grapes to snack on. Then I headed for the stairs.
I went to my room that is painted one of my favorite colors. Orange. My fuzzy bedspread and rugs are Brown my additional favorite color. I chose the theme based on that…
I went to my new mainframe that I got on Lexa and my last birthday that recently passed on December 4th. Checked my e-mail and saw that 6 of my friends were online.
Haley, Jenni, Melrose, Janae, Mark, and Noah.
I entered chats with three of my excellent friends there, online. Janae, Haley and Melrose. We spoke back and forth talking about school and this one new store that opened up at the mall Lexa and I work at 4 days a week.
I invited them all to come over so we may maybe go to the mall for the day and hang out. Janae wrote back and said she didn't have a ride over, so I got ready to go and pick her up.
As I got offline I got my money collectively and place it in my leather brown bag I usually use for school and switched out my folder and pencil packet for my wallet and my favorite book "Secrets of My Hollywood Life" I like to read when I'm bored. I place on my brown Chuck Taylor Converse, rushed

Answer by Tulak
I’m not an writer or anything so I can’t give any tips, but I loved reading that.

Answer by Marlowe L
Way too much happening. You start off with dialogue and rush honest into a blow-by-blow succession of events. Describe the actions, use imagery…

SLOW DOWN.

Answer by ♥Felicia likes her cat♥
It’s pretty terrible. Go back and edit. Do you know the difference between were and we’re? Do you know you shouldn’t dump a bunch of information on the readers when the first start reading your book? It bores us, and we don’t want to continue. I’m talking about you telling us where the twins go to school, and then again when you stop the tale and tell us about their parents. You can find a better way to do that. You also tell instead of show.

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South Side Locality Watch
COVENTRY: A South Path Drive couple called Summit County sheriff's deputies to their residence May 11, when they were separating and an argument ensued. They denied any physical contact or threats, and they were advised of domestic violence laws. One of the parties agreed to place for the night.
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