Is this excerpt from my story any good or should I modify it some?

Ok, so this is a vista at the beginning of Part 1 of my book… So what should I fix? If you like to read, I am sure you will delight in it. If you despise reading, read it anyways because you have already read this far.

"Thank you Amy." The pink clad woman said. She blinked at the camera and raised an eyebrow, a plainly disbelieving and sarcastic expression on her face. "We have breaking news. Alfred J. Wasson, of East Kantian drive, who was suspected of seventeen accounts of first degree assault with a deadly weapon, three counts of first degree murder, and one count of forcible entry into a confidential residence, as well as having been believed to be a high ranking member of a doomsday cult, has been shot dead. It was only hours ago when the Ilium Police Department triangulated the position of his house by cell phone calls he had made to South America, and finally located his exact whereabouts, a small motel room on 4663 Davis Street. He was shot and killed on the vista, with reportedly seven rounds fired by Ilium officers. The man fired upon two officers, both of which were seriously injured and are now in critical condition. The man was apparently armed with a Revolver of unknown but supposedly advanced quality. Ilium City Police officers have refused further comment. Further details will be revealed during the 5 o'clock news segment now during an IPD press conference. Donald?" The camera panned to an elderly bald man dressed in a brown suit of similar make to the woman's suit.
"Thank you Cassandra," he said, and continued with his report. He read the script in a monotone format, doing a poor job of it. "Stocks now have reached a high that soars beyond that of previous being, with the Dow ascending beyond 15,000 and reaching a record of 15,681 points. Most markets have completely recovered from the economic turmoil of 2011, and the economy now is very promising for small business owners and confidential citizens who have bought stocks from larger companies." The man continued in the flat voice, slowly making her feel tired once again. "The price of gas has been on a steady decline ever since Krisco struck oil in Argentina, and we will be looking at a $ 1.20 per gallon price here not before too long." The man flipped a paper on his desk and continued to read in his monotone format. "Under two new ordinances issued by the Ilium Mayoral offices, citizens will now have to stay off of the two lane road leading to Fort Grainer and stay away from the base itself, unless in time of emergency and when the National Guard authorizes it. The National Guard regiment stationed there has complained of young teenagers grafting the outside walls of the base, reportedly gang symbols and Anti-American slogans sprayed with red and black paint." The man read even more, "The Red Run trucking company has used the access road as a shortcut to the highway for seven being now, and a spokesperson at the Red Run headquarters has given a proclamation condemning the new ordinance preventing civilians from accessing the said road." The man turned his page once more and spoke next about the decline in prices. The new articles he had started reading passed through Laine's ears, and she started to doze off slightly, just as the phone rang. The repeating buzz made her jump to attention, and she stood and rushed over to the counter once more, everywhere the phone was located. She grasped the wireless phone and pressed the talk button, and went it up to her ear.
Um.. Yahyah, if anyone sucks more cock than your step-sister it would be you, and I would be pleased to stick my pecker into your mouth so that you can just choke on your words. Apart from that, this is far from the begining of my tale, it is really onto the 20th page, to be exact, and it’s a lead-in to larger and better things. Of course, you have the attention span of a Vampire fantic, I’ll bet.

Answer by ╚îzz ≈ ஐ ℓιzz ♥ ≡
i would modify and sort out the format, it’s just two giant paragraphs.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgsL27hiCaCLsLWJkpnXf0bsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100702133222AAiMB0v

Answer by Baileigh
i agree with the first person

Answer by yahyah12341234
wow that sucked more c@ck than my step sister. you didn’t catch my interest at all, this is how you start it???

you need to make it lest descriptive in the beginning, like this part:
“suspected of seventeen accounts of first degree assault with a deadly weapon, three counts of first degree murder, and one count of forcible entry into a confidential residence, as well as having been believed to be a high ranking member of a doomsday cult, has been shot dead.”
we get it, hes a terrible a$ $ muther fuker you don’t need all this or the description of her face. the only part of her face you didn’t talk about was the other eyebrow! if you want people to be bord congratulations you’ve succeeded

stopped wasting my time after that, excellent luck with that though

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Day 226: I Am Blessed


Image by amanky
So my day was ka-raze-eee!

I started it out with a slow start… and an interview for an actual full-time position within the hospital. The interview went longer than I’d expected, but you can’t rush these things too much now, can you!? Then I was off to PTown again, for more comp schooling (this time it was Star: the patient interface used throughout the hospital)
Meanwhile, on my way to the interview, I’d realized my cell was 100% dead. No battery. Nada! So I ran by the Taylor’s to nab up Andy’s spare/switch them out. He was really there, but on the phone with his girl’s mom… anywho (rabbit trails) I switched batteries, and promptly noticed that his spare was just as dead as my pila so… yeah. nevermind. I flew right back out the door, and straight out of town.

I pulled up at the outlet mall to nab up a couple pair of Vans (Liz picked up 2 for and I was bound and determined to find the same deal, for kicks and use in the ER possibly, as one pair was impeccably black!) I reached over to my passenger seat for my purse: empty! Yup. No purse… I had left it on the floor in the room I’d interviewed in (way to assure a sense of organization, huh!?)

Now. I’m 62 miles from home. No driver’s license, no identification, no cash, no credit/deduction card, no checkbook, no mobile… no food… no camera!

I walked in, mostly defeated, clarified my situation… in complete desperation, nearly tears. They assured me they could place a couple pairs on hold for me, as I’d be back again tomorrow.
I found two pairs, just like Liz’s, in my size/s. w00t-esque.

My mind was completely brain-storming/conundrum solving for survival. Praise God I had enough gas to assure for myself the trip back home and I have my work ID that doubles as a direct deduction from my paycheck at Providence cafeterias, so food was covered as well!
I trekked more toward Gresham and drove up a main drag, praying for a USBank, and some mercy/grace to be found within its doors. I found one. Walked in. Clarified my situation, and said that I could offer up all sorts of information, as well as noting the fact that I have a pretty distinct name… so!?
The girl went through plenty of personal info/inquiry to make me feel pretty safe about her handing me cash from my account sans ID. So yeah, I pulled out enough to make for myself feel a smidge more "safe", especially since I’m still running around without a cell.

As I at home at the Portland Providence locale, I soon notice it’s barely 10 blocks from Hans’ house. Since I still had time to spare, I drove over and… well, woke him up and used his phone to locate my purse. There’s something assuring about knowing that it’s really everywhere you’re pretty sure you left it, and that it’s now not just sitting there, unbeknownst to others… yeah, after a mess of phone extensions, and someone even going in to find it and not seeing it… it was found (it had been learned and tucked away by someone who had called me, not that I knew that!)

ok. so I take my first session of class, understandably excel (I’ve been working in the system for a month now, while everyone else is still new and plunking…) and get let out a bit earlier than expected. I glide, hoping to miss rush-hour traffic, and go to stop by the outlets so that I don’t have to tomorrow night (when I have to be back in time for worship practice.)
As I’m waiting for the line to dwindle, so i can retrieve my set aside items… Britny waves/flags me down. Yup, girl is shoe shopping with mom and small sisters. In the end, she also got the same set of shoes as Liz & for myself (we can be foot triplets!)

Oyg, ok, then I drive home… (oh yeah, through all of this, my sweet ipod integration system has chose to be dumb and now won’t load up, nor shut down, so I’m back to the jimmy-rigged ipod system in my car, but at least I still have my tunes!) stopping by the hospital to get my purse *pleased cheer* yay! And figured I ought to check my messages while I’m there.

And estimate what!?

Yup, I got the job!

[blogged]

I’m very supportive of him and I want him to have a job that he likes. He’s a first year MBA student (25 being ancient) and he now works for a regional cell phone company located exclusively in VA, NC, and WV. His goal is to be converted into an area administrator for a company. He has been with this company for the past 3 being and he’s a fantastic employee. He’s called out sick TWICE in two being– once for the flu and the other to have his appendix taken out. People at his work rely on him more than the administrator because he’s been there longer than her, trained her, and he puts his “all” into it. Now, his current workplace is 3 miles from our house, and takes approx 5-7 minutes to drive there. This leaves him plenty of time for his school work and I’m able to have feast waiting for him when he comes home each night (well… nearly haha). I’m able to visit him at work each once in a while (usually to bring him lunch or to bring domestic cookies to everyone). There are only 3 people who work at his store, including him, so everyone is ok with it.

Well, in his company, a management position opened up at another store an hour’s drive away. It’s all highway and traffic is usually pretty set alight. This new job would allow him to make approximately $ 48,000 a year versus the $ 36,500 he makes now. So, we’re talking about a considerable quantity more money. This would be especially helpful for next summer (2010) when we have to start paying back those dreaded student loans. We figured that with the mileage his car gets, he’d doubtless spend $ 4,800/year pouring to work (calculating gas at $ 4.00/gallon).

It sounds fantastic, but here’s the thing… he is worried of being turned down again. He has applied for 3 other jobs within the company (last summer/fall) and he didn’t get any of them. He’s more educated and more reliable than the other people they promoted. Really, it seems like they only promote people to keep them lynching around. His best friend is a one year college drop out, 23 being ancient, threatened to quit, and they promoted him to administrator even though he didn’t have the skills, schooling, or education needed according to company policy. My husband is worried of being let down again.

Plus, we’re trying to have kids sometime in the very near future. Dads, is it hard to have a job that requires commuting to work and cutting back on family time?
I want him to end school and do well in school. I know my husband and I don’t reckon he’ll do well in school if he takes this job. At the same time, I’m trying to be supportive and I’m having a hard time with it. He still has 2 being in his MBA program and I know he’ll be drained each day.

Thanks, that made me see it a small more clearly.

Answer by Mike
First off you take the job. Because its an opportunity to go up and with moving up people notice you.
Gas is not $ 4 a gallon so it will cost even less
1hr commute is not dreadful. May people do it daily.
This job will be a stepping stone for the next on and the next one he can look closer.
see if he can negotiate for 50K

Answer by dreary
nonononnnnnoooooooooo.

NO!!!!!!!

no freaking way. am i making for myself clear? you are putting his career before his schooling. here is what you do. stay place and stay FOCUSED only on his getting that mba in anticipation of he is finished. putting a stressful 2 hour commute into your day when he has school will doom your plans and make the next numerous being a journey into hell.

stay everywhere you are doing what you are doing. have him get his degree. the extra money he can command with an mba and an brilliant multi year track record at his present house of employment will give you the opportunity to make more money. dont try to do this all now. do it when you are done with school for petes sake. you are talking about trading two hours A DAY for 5000$ . and all the headaches and stress that comes along with it. dont do it. that is a nickel and a dime compared to what you can make if you just stick to the plot. stay everywhere you are and dont worry yet about student loans.

pouring that way while getting an mba is a terrible distraction and risk at this time. try also to hold off children in anticipation of he gets this mba. you have plenty of time to do this later.

the reason they dont want to promote him is because they need him everywhere he is because they already know how brilliant he is. leave this be for now. just continue to do what you are doing.

how do i know this? i am a business title-holder, and my son is your age. and, i have mentored many young people including my own brother and nephew both of whom are now doctors about this very thing. focus on the task at hand, and worry about the tiny amounts of money later.

do not trade a secure and successful future for a distraction and a tiny quantity of money now. dont do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it will also help you two to write this all down and remind yourself of the goals.

excellent luck.

What do you reckon? Answer below!

LOK8U NUM8-BLACK Child Locator GPS Watch

• Personal GPS locator designed exclusively for locating children
• Digital watch cannot be removed or deactivated without your knowledge
• Set unique safe zones in which your child can play and you will know if child steps out
• Alert is sent automatically to mobile phone and computer
• Adjustable steel reinforced wrist band and patented locking mechanism

nu·m8 (pronounced new-mate) is the world’s first and smallest GPS locator device specifically designed with children in mind. nu·m8 is a watch that hides GSM and GPS modules that enable you to locate your child, whenever you feel you need to know, via the internet or through your mobile phone (SMS/Text).nu·m8 (pronounced new-mate) is the world’s first and smallest GPS locator device specifically designed with children in mind. nu·m8 is a watch that hides GSM and GPS modules that enabl

List Price: $ 179.99

Price: $ 298.90